Large Women little tim

So its been a week or so since I last reported back on my life in Kaz – and true to form the madness continues. Most of the last week was taken up by with interviewing a ridiculous number of candidates to work my interpreter. I made the mistake of forgetting to ask exactly how the process of recruitment works here – it seems that rather than sending in applications or a CV for a job, it is perfectly acceptable to walk in off the street and demand an interview on the spot – it was only after 17 interviews when I asked about the screening process and was told that this actually was the interview, that I realized why everybody at work thought I was mad when I said my interviews in the UK normally last 30mins and was outraged when I heard theirs where 5 mins max.

Unfortunately for the 18th candidate (who was clearly an Soviet star Olympic shot putter at some point in her life) it resulted in me walking into the meeting room telling her I wasn’t interviewing any more people. Unfortunately for me she happened to not be able to speak English and just kept repeating “when do I start work”, which after 10 minutes resulted in a infuriated Tim telling her that she didn’t speak English and their was no job in Russian. It was at this point she learnt a new English phrase – “your not giving job – you want young girl”

Kostya and Sergey tell me all the time that Russians appreciate it when your completely direct when dealing them – so I really hope that she appreciated it when I stood up and walked out the room.

Dont worry I can already hear the screams from UK politically correct brigade that i should burn in the seventh level of hell for walking out – trust me it would have resulted in violence had it continued and given the size of her biceps I really didn’t fancy my chances.

The week was also marked by my proper introduction to drunken Russian women. The only way I can describe it is like some BBC wildlife documentary with Richard Atenbourgh (?) narrating the last moments of the startled, skinny Gazelle separated from his family pack and being hunted down by a pack of half starved lions. Whilst this would clearly be the most celebrated moment of my life at any other time – understanding a bit of Russian had the unfortunate side effect of me realizing that I was truly going to be eaten alive - and like the Gazelle I desperately tried to get away, only to be pulled down at the last moment. Oh well you live and learn :S

Much to the delight of everyone at work I am also happy to report I have my first “date” (I’ve obviously been with around too many American Peace Corps Volunteers). Whilst the thought of next Saturday also fills me with dread (not just because I exhausted my entire Russian vocabulary in our first 10 minute conversation) – the fact that she wasn’t interested in me being English, I’m thinking is a good sign. This has also stopped the stupid number of people trying to find me a wife from fixing me up, which is also most appreciated. The only downside is that I’ve got to keep a straight face whilst speaking to someone called “Nastier”, and although Dave (hello to H btw :) ) would be the first to tell me that I’ve already had girlfriends by this name – please what sort of mother would name her daughter “nastier” ???? … good old kaz


.

Dictators, KGB, Bad Hair Days, and the odd Dash of Vodka.

Well it has been one of the more hectic week since I’ve been here – as the title suggests, I’ve got slightly annoyed with the so called “democratic” progress here – apparently this doesn’t exclude intimidation, corruption, bribery, and the odd spot of physical violence – bless the government.

It seems that there currently taking a bit of umbrage at the Ukrainian revolution (namely the population realising that there “leaders” where slightly less than perfect) and have decided to clamp down on those pesky NGOs – which are obviously the route cause of all civil unrest /sigh – and not that the people hate living under a complete knob head. Coincidently the word “knob” is close to the revamped and re-branded KGB – now called KNoB.

With a week of unannounced police visits, tax inspections, and various shady shenanigans, (feels like im working on the IW again) coupled with the fact that international donor organisations are being pushed out of the country – has somewhat undermined my snowflake sized faith in the openness of the government in Kaz. The most ironic thing is that if they want civil unrest they are actually going the right way to get some – people otherwise wouldn’t give a monkey’s gonad what the government does.

Anyways things always get worse before they get better – and true to form they have. I had the complete misfortune to have my photo taken a lot last week – and my hair (I have now realised) has turned into something like a dodgy early 80’s footballers – mullet to boot. The only thing that now really scares me is the thought of getting it cut as the hairdressers only seem to understand purple rinse or “im setting you up for the soviet army”. Oh well purple rinse it is.

I’ve also been here 5 months now – which is a bit of a odd thought, mind you it seems like a drop in the ocean compared to the 19 to go ! to celebrate I’m having beef wrapped in pasta topped with pork chops tonight – who says there isn’t a varied diet here!

by the end of the trip only my left eye was able to move - brass monkeys!
timoshka

evidently we are going home under horse power..
timoshka

the girls take the sensible option
timoshka

and oressole gets hurt!
timoshka

I get pursuaded..
timoshka

Kostya disagrees..
timoshka

"i promise you this is not an ideal hangover cure"
timoshka

breakfast time - "what beer now?!"
timoshka

Kostya the morning after - I am happy to note that "falling asleep" with all your clothes on isnt just for skinny englishmen
timoshka

olga starts the party!
timoshka

yey! food!
timoshka

oressole, olga, pippa and a strange tinsle thing
timoshka

sergi starting the celebrations in the minibus on the way there!
timoshka

Gin - never again.

Yesterday was a good day, had my first grant approved for Decenta and Roma (who is the IT kid at work - but you'll never see him because he's always taking the photos) managed to get out of the mandatory 2 year national conscription with bribing a Doctor - good lad!

as you could guess celebrations ensued and with 50% proof gin I woke up today with all my clothes on sleeping upside down in the bed. tonight should be interesting as well - the local vodka company is sponsoring the professional of the year awards & olga is up for a prize - oh well i guess i can write this night off too :/

anyways in a desperate attempt to catch up on the photos the next lot are of the New Years celebrations with work - enjoy!

"waterfall" ... oh really
timoshka

me and pip after a bastard 3 hour climb in the snow up a mountain to see a "waterfall" ..
timoshka

me and random sheperd's horse (must realise I am not clint eastwood)
timoshka

(day 2 in Acksur Zabbagly) pipe dreams of lotr and pale rider ahoy "im going to get up that" - foolish thoughts..
timoshka

ok i accept the "i need to go travelling", but that "i've gone to thailand and austraila and grown as a human being" thing is truely a bunch off bolloxs
timoshka

wonder & awe cont.
timoshka

erm - start of wonder and awe thing
timoshka

we arrived! pic of pippa in our home stay
timoshka

made it to almaty & annya (!) amazingly when I woke up perik (the guy below) had covered me with a blanket and watched over me while I slept the vodka off - nice chap !
timoshka

surely we dont have to drink vodka with this family too (!)...
timoshka

what the crap do you mean more friends are coming with vodka
timoshka

(day 1 train) oh my god please take the photo quick so i can leg it
timoshka

and then it snowed....

oh bugger me with a broom stick did it snow. You would kind of think that Kazakhstan-Sibera, should equate to some kind of "cold" and "snow" expectations - but going from a steady 0 to a minus 30 in what felt like over night felt like my first ever swift kick in the knackers - painful and stangely wanting to be sick (thanks Kate for that memory)

but on the up side it is unbelievable beautiful - and changes the dirty grey to a stunning white, & when in snows (often!) look like someones dumped a big heap of glitter everywhere - anyways the next photos are of me doing christmas in Kaz - we (me and pip) travelled down south to the boarder of kaz and uzbek to see the mountains and spend new year in a different place - and feck me was it different (leaving pippa's dodgy encounters with drunk Kazak men / drunken police / drunken train passengers / 5 days of train journeys aside ) it was truely an unbeleivable experience. If you ever watched lord of the rings when they travel through the snow - it was a bit like that - stunning and left me a bit speachless - and it wasn't not the vodka this time !

a MASSIVE mosque at the end of my street - evidently the biggest in Kaz - unfortunately it looks like darth vaders helmet
timoshka

olga - incredible for a whole different set of reasons
timoshka

valantine - spent 24 years in a Siberan prison and has to be one of the most incredible people i've ever met
timoshka

Next few months..

I can't really remember what happened in the past few months - so much my little head cant get its head round - mostly it was a shite load of hard work, making loads of new friends (especially the DJ Family, who have been truely awsome in taking care of me and showing me all the nighclubs they work in - always free!), and loads more work - which has been great as (i think !) me sergi and kostya have alot of respect for each other - well at least i do for them! - and its made it a crap load easier for me working in Kaz!

me trying to look professional the next day - not good
timoshka

no comment needed either - but the night ended well :)
timoshka

me - erm no description needed
timoshka

us deciding to drive around the city in our mini bus and get shite faced :D (not the driver!)
timoshka

my line manager (kostya) in the all you can eat competition
timoshka

class boss
timoshka

crap photo of the party
timoshka

a pensive, arty tim
timoshka

1 month down 23 to go !

well, the first month went quicked than the combined RCC, IVG and IWEP bank balance - but given that I could trebel there combined asset balance with one month VSO salary this isn't saying very much (sorry about the number of ex-work jokes, just need to realise sometimes why I left & why I bloody stayed so long - twat(!) - I would also like to insert a "carry the VAT of the salary contribution to the accruals of next years accounting structure" joke for two people that I miss alot - but I'm guessing that 30k defecit in that vibrant NGO you work for makes it not that funny for you - excuse me if I wet myself laughing :D )

anyways i digress - 1 month down - evidently I had a girlfriend that I was not aware off - and Masha and Annya decide to leave to pursue their fame and fortune in the capital. The next photos are of their leaving do. Emily told me before i left that people are more interested in whats going through your head rather than what your doing - so to honour her advice the main thought going through my head was "vodka" combined with "oh my god my liver" and a touch off "i miss home" - hope thats deep enough for you all :)

my first banya experience - nakedness, sweating, rolling in the snow, and beating each other with leaves is evidently important - works for me!
timoshka

my new best mate - cant speak eachothers language but - smoking can overcome any barrier :D
timoshka

Me Freezing! (and realising that I had got fat...)
timoshka

Vodka and Conjac kicking in..
timoshka

from the front to the left - Sergi, Annya, Kostya, Svetlana, me (!), olga, Yulia, Oressole, Zhanna, Masha
timoshka

Made it to Pavlodar!

After two weeks of intensive vodka training at VSO HQ and much "oh my god it tastes like rat", it was time to make a the heady journey to Pavlodar (right at the top of Kaz - on the boarder with russia) and my new work - its a bit difficult to describe what its like hurtling through the steps of Kaz on a beat up Soviet train on a 36 hr journey, not knowing whats going to be at the end of it, but its slightly unnerving to say the least! - fortunately me and pippa (and the elusive gerlita) were working in the same city so we got the train together with Kev (working in Astana - close to Pav).

We arrive at 6 in the morning to be greated by a fresh 0 degrees temp (was 20+ in UK!) and my new Boss who wisked me away to my temporary appartment deep in the city - it was about that time I saw my first soviet city as the sun rose and realised that whilst a country might have the most fittest women i've seen in my life, it doesnt make the Local Authority planning department any happier - and they still build the most arse ugly buildings I've ever seen.

6 hours later my boss (sergi) turned up so we could properly meet and decided to take me to work. Now bearing in mind i had been travelling for 36hrs, moved to a new country 2 weeks before, and had been spending the previous year partaking in my mums, si's and nathans, self perscribed herbal remides - this wasn't the best time to give a presentation on "what is deprivation in the UK, and the state of the Third Sector" - but relying on the well honned bullshite I had mastered at IVG and IWEP, and that some toss pot had given me the job title of Director Business Development - i just about scraped a pass grade, and when my 9 new colleges clapped and welcomed me to Decenta, I was as happy as a pig in a big pile of shite. (probably not the best description - but I was very happy!)

Anyways as it turned out - they where all my age (give or take!) and where actually the most professional outfit I had worked for (not hard I here some - many - of you cry!) - but in a what juck would say is a typical "tim-ing" i had so landed on my feet it was untrue - i think the next photos of Decenta's birthday do will explain (1 week in to work)

My first new mates in Kaz ! - Pippa and Kev (now the three amigos of the VSO Kaz)
timoshka

well - this isn't the isle of wight ..
Posted by Hello

I'm in Kazakhstan.. oh my god...

Well, after some mad last minute packing and a dash for the plane - before I knew it I was in Kazakhstan. Given my incredibly detailed research on the country (drinking more that usual vodka before I left) I felt that the next two years was going to be a doddle - im mean what more could I possibly need that being able to say yes, no and vodka in russian :D

Actually i totally shat myself when i got off the plan, police in crazy big hats, locals babbling all kinds of stange things at me with far too many gold teeth, and an odd oder of burnt hair in the air made me realise i was going to have a slightly more unusual experience than eating the fine foods at Simons and Nathan house I had got so use to over the past year of.. ahem.. my work sabatical.

Well four months since that time have passed and I'm still having one of the crazyist times of my life living and working in what I later found out to be Southern Sibera :S I'm also a bit annoyed that I haven't wrote anything up - or really had the chance to tell anyone back home some of the adventures or mad things I'm experiencing like the word for surgar being Kunt in Kazak (try keeping a straight face in the morning asking for 2 lumps of kunt in your tea - chai sorry) So this is my small attempt to catch up and let you all know that everything is cool - litterally - here (kgb and dictator obvious exceptions). hope you enjoy!